Bertholdt Monologue
by MotionlessInGrey
Summary: Bertholdt's battles with anxiety. What we think he would go through and how he would feel.


**Bertholdt: Monologue**

The mess hall is crowded, as it is every night. Trainees are talking and laughing and shouting, and the noise echoes in Bertholdt's ears. He blinks away the advancing headache and does his best to focus on Jean's retelling of a sparring match that took place earlier that day.

"So I'm paired up with this guy who obviously has no clue what he's doing." Jean's hands, Bertholdt notices, are constantly moving as he is talking, and it's somehow causing the headache to worsen. He ignores it.

"I get into my usual stance, and the dude just stands there for a minute. I'm about to yell at him to get his ass ready before I beat it to a pulp, and then he just walks up to me and looks at me. Then he punches me in the eye!"

Jean finishes his account of misfortune and slams his fist on the table, making plates and cups rattle. The table erupts into laughter, Eren especially. Out of curiosity, Bertholdt looks closer, and spots a ring of black and blue circling Jean's eye. He joins in with the laughter, and it feels good to do so.

Ymir snorts when she calms down. "That's what you get, you narcissistic idiot. It's a shame he stopped there, though," she tells a flustered Jean with a smirk. Bertholdt watches her sneak a glance at Krista, who begins to laugh even harder, and Ymir's smirk grows.

Connie leans over the table while clutching his stomach. "I- It's a good thi- thing that *hic* s-someone finally decided t- to put you in your-" He can barely finish his sentence as he falls into another laughing fit.

Bertholdt smiles again, shaking his head at the relentless teasing of their comrade. Jean's ears turn a deep shade of scarlet, and he focuses his glare on Eren, who's laughing so much he can barely control himself.

"Oh, shut up, Jaeger! Like you can even take a punch, Mr. "I'm-going-to-kill-every-last-Titan-in-existence"!"

Eren's grin never falters, but Bertholdt feels his weaken. Knowing not to let it show, he laughs along with everyone else, even though the laughter is empty. "At least I won't be cowering inside the walls when the real fight is outside of them, Horse Face!"

Even Marco has to hide a smile when Jean's popular nickname comes up. The laughter has subsided somewhat, now reduced to leftover giggles and panting to catch lost breath. Jean's eyebrows furrow and his mouth curls into a snarl, and the table goes silent. "Care to say that again, Jaeger?"

Eren quickly takes the bait and stands up, looking Jean straight in the eye. "I said, you're a coward, Jean. Are you deaf too?"

Now Jean stands, staring down Eren. Mikasa rises as well, ready to play mediator if needed. "At least I can see! I'm not going to throw my life away just for some careless thought of revenge! Open your eyes, Jaeger! I know you're not the sharpest blade in the collection, but even you should have enough common sense to make the right decision!"

The mess hall is quiet, quiet enough to hear Sasha crunching on her bread, hardly paying attention save for the cautious glance around the table, as if someone was going to steal her food. The anger melts from Eren's eyes, but he does not back down. His hands clench at his sides, and from where he is sitting, Bertholdt can see his fingernails digging into his palms. "I am making the right decision, Jean," Eren says, speaking slowly and cooly. All eyes are on him as his eyes flash, whether in anger or defiance, Bertholdt can't tell. "I don't need to join the Military Police. I don't need to be safe and hide from the very threat that keeps us trapped inside these damned walls."

"I will kill them. Every last one of them."

Bertholdt freezes, his muscles ignoring his pleas to stay limber. He can feel his heart racing, and he takes slow, deep breaths to calm it down. He can't have an attack, not here, not with all these eyes around him. A drop of sweat rolls down his cheek and he quickly wipes it away without thinking.

Bertholdt feels Reiner's eyes on him, and his gaze flickers from his untouched dinner to his friend. Reiner's expression is a convincing mask of calm, but his eyes pose a question when they lock with his own. Bertholdt glances away almost as quickly as when he looked at Reiner, and mouths an "I'm fine", even though he knows he is not. His friend can read him too well to be fooled.

Nevertheless, Bertholdt turns his gaze back to the verbal match taking place. No one has moved, but no one has taken their eyes off of the pair either.

All of a sudden, Eren smiles. Bertholdt finds it absolutely terrifying. "Just watch me, Jean. You know, if you're not sitting back on your ass and relaxing while the rest of us fight the real battles."

Jean leans back, biting his lip, no doubt thinking of something to throw back in Eren's face. Bertholdt never gets a chance to see if he manages to find something, because he has already uttered a near-silent "Excuse me" and left the mess hall. The door closes loudly behind him and sounds like a gunshot in the night.

He dashes to the boys' dorm and let's the cool breeze caress his damp forehead, Eren's proclamation repeating itself in his mind like a mantra.

_Why does he speak of these things?_ Bertholdt asks himself, his mind running wild as his breath comes in quick pants. He reaches the empty building and shuts himself inside, lying down on his bunk. _He's too headstrong, too reckless. He'll die before he has the chance to make a difference. _

Bertholdt grabs his head with both hands as he feels his mind shatter, trying to hold it together before it can escape him. He knows when that happens, he will completely lose it. His eyes are wide and moving a mile a minute, not latching onto one thing for too long, frantically looking to see if anyone followed him. He feels like he can't breathe, that his throat is closing, and will continue until he no longer needs to breathe at all. A painful sensation starts in his chest and makes it's way across his body, as if he is being stabbed. No one could see him like this; Bertholdt was seen as calm and collected, known for his impassive reactions and quick reflexes in tough situations.

This Bertholdt, the real Bertholdt, was collapsing on the inside, with the outside caving in.

He lies there for the rest of the night, wanting to scream but staying silent. The other boys come to bed, and he ignores any questions asked. He does not look at Eren.

Reiner lays down beside him, but he is smart enough to not ask questions. A comforting hand is placed on his shoulder and a grim expression is passed his way.

Bertholdt is awake for hours after, falling asleep only when his heartbeat had calmed and his head has put itself back together again, just as the morning sun peeks through the windows.

When he opens his eyes, he feels as if he aged ten years. The first thing that comes to mind is the fear that he will be plagued with this same anxiety for the rest of his life, however long that may be.


End file.
